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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful and very naked woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
In a cemetery, two tombstones sit beside each other with these inscriptions:
Here lies my loving wife--cold as usual.
Here lies my loving husband--stiff at last.
Q. What do you call the sex of small men?
A. Compact dicks.
Q. Of aliens?
A. Laser dicks.
Q. Of old men?
A. Floppy dicks.
Q. Of young men?
A. Hard dicks.
Q. Of the Abu Sayyaf?
A. Pirated dicks.
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" He replied, "It depends, if I can find a phone."
Confucius says, "Before you criticise anyone, walk a mile in his shoes. In this way, if he gets mad, you are a mile away, and you have his shoes too."
REPORTER: Mr Clinton, what do you tell your wife after having sex?
CLINTON: Darling, I'll be home in ten minutes.
